Words and actions

I've wanted for nothing, left out of nothing unless i deserved to be. I was kept clean and healthy all my life. Who i am is a privileged , some may say overly privileged immature young lady. A 16 year old teenage girl trapped in the body of an 18. I have no reason to be sad but for some reason i can't stop crying, I can't rise the drop in my stomach. It's nothing new , I've been feeling this way sporadically for years now. Never in my life have i felt so unwanted , undeserving, and dumb as i feel now. I feel like just hurting , but then i think why. In what way is my life porous or lacking? I have no reason to feel the way i do...well no justifiable reason. I don't deserve feeling this way, i keep thinking don't give up, don't give in. 

Words , words , words. Sometimes people don't realize how much power they hold. Apparently my mother didn't want me and my father did, but as of late he is regretting the decision. Consequently for everyone this epiphany was much to late .

Am i wrong to hold her up to soft lights? I hear her tell stories of rape, and abuse and i can't help but to ...to... want to give her everything. At the same time, I've lived with my father all my life and he has given all that he can to me. Who am i to ask for time, who am i to say it's too late.

All i known is all the words, misplaced anger, and empty time has gotten me to this point in my life where i just wish i could drop dead, or disappear someplace better for everyone. I'm feeling malice in my veins and desire for a change planting it's self deep in my soul. i feel rotten and I've forgotten myself. here's more is my escape and writing to no one and letting myself soak in all this self directed hate is my mistake. i refuse to be some other burden . I'll keep my emotions to myself and this page.  

 

It wasn't true love

I don't think i loved him,but i wonder if i could have. Why else am i hurting like i am. Didn't think that he could do that, thought i keep the distance far enough. When the lights are out and the curtains come down, there's no one else to fool but myself. I tired to say to myself heres more and heres more of a reason to run. Run and never turn around.
I just wish that you fought harder. Sometimes i wish you could hear my thoughts, know that I'm missing you, like no other. For the first time in my life i feel lost, but at the same time I'm moving. Being with you made me realize just how much weight a simple word has. What each word can take, when properly phrased. I thought i caged all the self destructive ones up, but i can't fight my nature.
Word seem to evade me more and more increasingly ,getting worse every day. When i close my eyes everything plays out all right, but i find the harsh light far more invading, realty pestering my thoughts. I just wish that you fought harder. Maybe sometime in the future the new woman that i am will be strong enough to be with you. Though right now this feels like I'm hurting i know its just the waiting. Don't know if there will be others , don't have any in mind at the moment, but if there should be just know that you'll always be my first love, and i think of you everyday, missing you , wishing you fought harder.
.

Color me gullible

In my English class we read a poem called "introduction to a poem", in it Billy Collions describes the reason why anything that is good in this world rotes eventually. Then life says heres more.His example is poetry, mine is love. It makes far better sense because everyone has experience some from of the apathetic phantom named love.
So often we find ourselves fearing the eminte end and a possible eternity alone. That we let ourselves become consumed and ultimately defeated . Not by the object of fear but comically just the idea of what we fear. With out experiencing the full and utter complete joy and happiness that life has to offer. However what we do have plenty of all over the world is lust and mis-placed anger.
Now I may know what your thinking.Your thinking what misplaced anger?I'm not angry at all . Well that's a lie.Everyone has misplaced anger. Even you reader, mine for example is deeply embedded in the past. A marrow sucking fear of love because of all the horror stories and reenactment of the tango de Roxanne. It's my outward denial of this fear that leads to an anger. That anger is directed towards whomever tries to love me.Which leads to me feeling sorry for myself. Trying to fix and mend at the last moment.Unfortunately for me every time I try to feel sorry for myself I ruin anything good in my life. I've found over the years that words are just as deadly as cuts carved by poison filled items or a gun. Actions follow words, over action follows that and lack of action supersedes both.

 I thought that falling in love would be easy. Now that I think of it I also use to think a fat man slid down a chimney we didn't have', to deliver presents to my family. People whom hes never known ;for someone Else's birthday. Color me gullible. As I got older I thought that I wasn't as easy to persuaded .
 I guess I think too much.After hacking through the thick and thine rules and exceptions and lies and mixed feeling I've found that instead of love being just blind it's more like love is dumb , blind, and deaf.
I look around and I see all my friends, family,TV shows, movies, whatever all in love,trying to fall or falling in love and I'm just so over it. I'm 18 and I'm already sick and tired of it all. Probably just wasted 2 years of my life trying to hard. Not only that but other people have wasted time trying to hard.
 They've tried the bad boy crap, the nice guy, the artist, but in a alternate twist of fate and romantic comedy cliches no one ever gets the girl. Why? Because the girls is me and I'm love retarded, and like incapable. Which brings me back to Billy Collions. He must've known I would be reading his poem. He must've known that I would feel and relate to the idea of this poem.  I just can't tell if I'm the one tying the poem to the chair and beating it with a hose or if i am the poem.

Contradictions.

I dated him once, but something about it mad me feel so anxious and bad . I don't think a relationship should feel like a obligation. So I told him I didn't want to date and as a result we ended up not talking for a long time. Unfortunately for me I couldn' stop thinking about him. After about a month I ended up " accidentally" text ed him and we started talking again, hanging out and just acting like we were dating. He kept trying to DTR but I of course didn't want to. As of yesterday we are no longer talking. The first time it was my idea but this time its his. I just pushed him to this point. I think that I'm happy with things turned out. I love everything about him but I don't want to love. I'm one of those can't love others till you love yourself kinda girls. I'm loyal but I'm also distant. I'm smart but i have no common sense. I'm helpful but I'm lazy. I'm full of contradictions and if my parents don't like to deal with it then I don't think he could. He doesn't .... hasn't. I don't want to take his problems and say here's more problems. I don't want to betaken care of. He shouldn't be worrying about me like he is my dad. Right now he has got his own problems. Health wise and education wise.

Oh another thing today i heard my close friend Washington was in jail for sexually abuse of a child. A nine year old boy to be specific.His picture is all over the news and hes name . Its crazy to think that he did something like that, to a family member. If anyone touched my sister like that I would go bat shit crazy.

I have to get use to breathing with out air

I went to a Halloween party tonight. It was fun but I felt sorta alone.Well what I should say is I felt separate. Like I was in default. Its easy for me to be friendly and throw in just enough funny statements to where I'm not a wallflower but i really just wanted to lay down and sleep. Even so I didn't want to leave , there was food and laughter so it wasn't not fun. It just that I look around and see couples that look each other in the eyes and touch noses, lips, they look open and in love. Then there's me distant, friendly, totally lovable completely closed off Liah.When I look inwardly I don't like what I see, just a dark abyss that swallows any and all emotions, outside the one that I don't want.

 That's what I get for going with out my guy then going home and watching a glee show all about breaking up. It funny how i can feel so hallow and so full at the same time . I think the reason I'm being so melodramatic is because things are going my way and I'm not use to living and breathing at the same time. So i cut my own throat just to feel normal again. Which is so very masochistic and probably also the reason why I'm demolishing my relationships one by one. Not just the one between my guy and I ,but between friends and family. It's all so accumulative. Eventually they'll leave and I'll go a create something else ,else where.If you thought I had problems just stayed turn because here's more is an understatement.

Heart breaker

So here's what I think is going to happen between my guy and I. It'll be the fourth week that I haven't really spoken to him or it'll be the fourth time I happen to be too busy for him and he'll finally think, enough.  He's done , hes gonna be monosyllabic with me, hes gonna be crude and rude and passive aggressive. Just take all sorts defensive mechanisms and throw it in my face. Then ill get pissed and not talk to him for a while again.But of course I'll start to miss him and get over it and invite him some where. He'll see me and and suddenly hell start to not care as much, he'll rationalize my behavior in his head . He'll say shes just afraid to love or shes just going through some things, she doesn't want to rush into things ,but shes taking steps , she invited me here. Before we know it we've started right back up a steep hill only to plummet back down again at some inevitable time.This is what I do I try to commit and just before I do I trip myself and we both go tumbling down the hill and I always land on him.I'll keep saying here's more because I'm never the one that gets hurt. I wont let myself get attached enough. He know this subconsciously I'm sure but he wants to try . He knows what he wants but I just don't think I can give it to him. So it's going to go on and on until he really does decide he has had enough and move on, or I grow some balls and say friends or nothing.

Opps, I did it again.

"Do you still have the same feelings for me?"
There it is,the million dollar question . Straight from his mouth.He sent me this at 8 something this afternoon. It's 1 in the morning the next day and I still haven't responded. I'm not surprised he is wondering this. I go weeks at a time not talking to him,In fact I've been expecting this. I could sit here and act like I don't know what to do and lie to myself. This truth is I don't want to date , and I don't want to be held down. I never wanted to be . I tired to tell him, to warn him but he didn't listen. I tried once and it didn't last.We went on a double date and he had to barrow money from the other guy to pay for himself. I paid for my ticket and the food. That ,believe it or not isn't my problem. I just feel so incapable to be in love but I don't want to lose him that's why I keep breaking things down and building it back up. He deserves better though. Someone who will give him what he wants, a true relationship. I think it all depends on the answer to this question. This situation sucks, and I catch myself in it alot with guys.(Not saying I sleep around though. I'm actually a virgin. Which i think is because I'm afraid of getting close to people.) I start things off then shut it down before it becomes something. This guy unfortunately for him, has been lead the farthest.urrga Just when I thought I was getting back into the grove of talking to him as much as I use to, he haaaad to ask this question.
If you thought my relationship wasn't cliche teenage girl enough,here's more.

Lust or Love?

So I've got a problem.  It feels a lot like fear, paralyzing, debilitating fear. My hands will literally  start to shake if a certain guy comes into the same vicinity as I am in.My armpits get that prickly feeling and I really just want to run as fast as I can in the opposite direction. Then there's this other completely contradicting feeling, an unfamiliar pull . I've been saying no for 18 years now and then here comes this guy and makes me wonder for the first time what I'm waiting for. My problem is I cant figure out if  this unfamiliar pull is lust or love. He's the first guy I've ever emotionally opened up to even in the slightest amount. I don't want to say here's more then have him take it and go.