Words and actions

I've wanted for nothing, left out of nothing unless i deserved to be. I was kept clean and healthy all my life. Who i am is a privileged , some may say overly privileged immature young lady. A 16 year old teenage girl trapped in the body of an 18. I have no reason to be sad but for some reason i can't stop crying, I can't rise the drop in my stomach. It's nothing new , I've been feeling this way sporadically for years now. Never in my life have i felt so unwanted , undeserving, and dumb as i feel now. I feel like just hurting , but then i think why. In what way is my life porous or lacking? I have no reason to feel the way i do...well no justifiable reason. I don't deserve feeling this way, i keep thinking don't give up, don't give in. 

Words , words , words. Sometimes people don't realize how much power they hold. Apparently my mother didn't want me and my father did, but as of late he is regretting the decision. Consequently for everyone this epiphany was much to late .

Am i wrong to hold her up to soft lights? I hear her tell stories of rape, and abuse and i can't help but to ...to... want to give her everything. At the same time, I've lived with my father all my life and he has given all that he can to me. Who am i to ask for time, who am i to say it's too late.

All i known is all the words, misplaced anger, and empty time has gotten me to this point in my life where i just wish i could drop dead, or disappear someplace better for everyone. I'm feeling malice in my veins and desire for a change planting it's self deep in my soul. i feel rotten and I've forgotten myself. here's more is my escape and writing to no one and letting myself soak in all this self directed hate is my mistake. i refuse to be some other burden . I'll keep my emotions to myself and this page.  

 

It wasn't true love

I don't think i loved him,but i wonder if i could have. Why else am i hurting like i am. Didn't think that he could do that, thought i keep the distance far enough. When the lights are out and the curtains come down, there's no one else to fool but myself. I tired to say to myself heres more and heres more of a reason to run. Run and never turn around.
I just wish that you fought harder. Sometimes i wish you could hear my thoughts, know that I'm missing you, like no other. For the first time in my life i feel lost, but at the same time I'm moving. Being with you made me realize just how much weight a simple word has. What each word can take, when properly phrased. I thought i caged all the self destructive ones up, but i can't fight my nature.
Word seem to evade me more and more increasingly ,getting worse every day. When i close my eyes everything plays out all right, but i find the harsh light far more invading, realty pestering my thoughts. I just wish that you fought harder. Maybe sometime in the future the new woman that i am will be strong enough to be with you. Though right now this feels like I'm hurting i know its just the waiting. Don't know if there will be others , don't have any in mind at the moment, but if there should be just know that you'll always be my first love, and i think of you everyday, missing you , wishing you fought harder.
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Color me gullible

In my English class we read a poem called "introduction to a poem", in it Billy Collions describes the reason why anything that is good in this world rotes eventually. Then life says heres more.His example is poetry, mine is love. It makes far better sense because everyone has experience some from of the apathetic phantom named love.
So often we find ourselves fearing the eminte end and a possible eternity alone. That we let ourselves become consumed and ultimately defeated . Not by the object of fear but comically just the idea of what we fear. With out experiencing the full and utter complete joy and happiness that life has to offer. However what we do have plenty of all over the world is lust and mis-placed anger.
Now I may know what your thinking.Your thinking what misplaced anger?I'm not angry at all . Well that's a lie.Everyone has misplaced anger. Even you reader, mine for example is deeply embedded in the past. A marrow sucking fear of love because of all the horror stories and reenactment of the tango de Roxanne. It's my outward denial of this fear that leads to an anger. That anger is directed towards whomever tries to love me.Which leads to me feeling sorry for myself. Trying to fix and mend at the last moment.Unfortunately for me every time I try to feel sorry for myself I ruin anything good in my life. I've found over the years that words are just as deadly as cuts carved by poison filled items or a gun. Actions follow words, over action follows that and lack of action supersedes both.

 I thought that falling in love would be easy. Now that I think of it I also use to think a fat man slid down a chimney we didn't have', to deliver presents to my family. People whom hes never known ;for someone Else's birthday. Color me gullible. As I got older I thought that I wasn't as easy to persuaded .
 I guess I think too much.After hacking through the thick and thine rules and exceptions and lies and mixed feeling I've found that instead of love being just blind it's more like love is dumb , blind, and deaf.
I look around and I see all my friends, family,TV shows, movies, whatever all in love,trying to fall or falling in love and I'm just so over it. I'm 18 and I'm already sick and tired of it all. Probably just wasted 2 years of my life trying to hard. Not only that but other people have wasted time trying to hard.
 They've tried the bad boy crap, the nice guy, the artist, but in a alternate twist of fate and romantic comedy cliches no one ever gets the girl. Why? Because the girls is me and I'm love retarded, and like incapable. Which brings me back to Billy Collions. He must've known I would be reading his poem. He must've known that I would feel and relate to the idea of this poem.  I just can't tell if I'm the one tying the poem to the chair and beating it with a hose or if i am the poem.