Contradictions.

I dated him once, but something about it mad me feel so anxious and bad . I don't think a relationship should feel like a obligation. So I told him I didn't want to date and as a result we ended up not talking for a long time. Unfortunately for me I couldn' stop thinking about him. After about a month I ended up " accidentally" text ed him and we started talking again, hanging out and just acting like we were dating. He kept trying to DTR but I of course didn't want to. As of yesterday we are no longer talking. The first time it was my idea but this time its his. I just pushed him to this point. I think that I'm happy with things turned out. I love everything about him but I don't want to love. I'm one of those can't love others till you love yourself kinda girls. I'm loyal but I'm also distant. I'm smart but i have no common sense. I'm helpful but I'm lazy. I'm full of contradictions and if my parents don't like to deal with it then I don't think he could. He doesn't .... hasn't. I don't want to take his problems and say here's more problems. I don't want to betaken care of. He shouldn't be worrying about me like he is my dad. Right now he has got his own problems. Health wise and education wise.

Oh another thing today i heard my close friend Washington was in jail for sexually abuse of a child. A nine year old boy to be specific.His picture is all over the news and hes name . Its crazy to think that he did something like that, to a family member. If anyone touched my sister like that I would go bat shit crazy.

I have to get use to breathing with out air

I went to a Halloween party tonight. It was fun but I felt sorta alone.Well what I should say is I felt separate. Like I was in default. Its easy for me to be friendly and throw in just enough funny statements to where I'm not a wallflower but i really just wanted to lay down and sleep. Even so I didn't want to leave , there was food and laughter so it wasn't not fun. It just that I look around and see couples that look each other in the eyes and touch noses, lips, they look open and in love. Then there's me distant, friendly, totally lovable completely closed off Liah.When I look inwardly I don't like what I see, just a dark abyss that swallows any and all emotions, outside the one that I don't want.

 That's what I get for going with out my guy then going home and watching a glee show all about breaking up. It funny how i can feel so hallow and so full at the same time . I think the reason I'm being so melodramatic is because things are going my way and I'm not use to living and breathing at the same time. So i cut my own throat just to feel normal again. Which is so very masochistic and probably also the reason why I'm demolishing my relationships one by one. Not just the one between my guy and I ,but between friends and family. It's all so accumulative. Eventually they'll leave and I'll go a create something else ,else where.If you thought I had problems just stayed turn because here's more is an understatement.

Heart breaker

So here's what I think is going to happen between my guy and I. It'll be the fourth week that I haven't really spoken to him or it'll be the fourth time I happen to be too busy for him and he'll finally think, enough.  He's done , hes gonna be monosyllabic with me, hes gonna be crude and rude and passive aggressive. Just take all sorts defensive mechanisms and throw it in my face. Then ill get pissed and not talk to him for a while again.But of course I'll start to miss him and get over it and invite him some where. He'll see me and and suddenly hell start to not care as much, he'll rationalize my behavior in his head . He'll say shes just afraid to love or shes just going through some things, she doesn't want to rush into things ,but shes taking steps , she invited me here. Before we know it we've started right back up a steep hill only to plummet back down again at some inevitable time.This is what I do I try to commit and just before I do I trip myself and we both go tumbling down the hill and I always land on him.I'll keep saying here's more because I'm never the one that gets hurt. I wont let myself get attached enough. He know this subconsciously I'm sure but he wants to try . He knows what he wants but I just don't think I can give it to him. So it's going to go on and on until he really does decide he has had enough and move on, or I grow some balls and say friends or nothing.

Opps, I did it again.

"Do you still have the same feelings for me?"
There it is,the million dollar question . Straight from his mouth.He sent me this at 8 something this afternoon. It's 1 in the morning the next day and I still haven't responded. I'm not surprised he is wondering this. I go weeks at a time not talking to him,In fact I've been expecting this. I could sit here and act like I don't know what to do and lie to myself. This truth is I don't want to date , and I don't want to be held down. I never wanted to be . I tired to tell him, to warn him but he didn't listen. I tried once and it didn't last.We went on a double date and he had to barrow money from the other guy to pay for himself. I paid for my ticket and the food. That ,believe it or not isn't my problem. I just feel so incapable to be in love but I don't want to lose him that's why I keep breaking things down and building it back up. He deserves better though. Someone who will give him what he wants, a true relationship. I think it all depends on the answer to this question. This situation sucks, and I catch myself in it alot with guys.(Not saying I sleep around though. I'm actually a virgin. Which i think is because I'm afraid of getting close to people.) I start things off then shut it down before it becomes something. This guy unfortunately for him, has been lead the farthest.urrga Just when I thought I was getting back into the grove of talking to him as much as I use to, he haaaad to ask this question.
If you thought my relationship wasn't cliche teenage girl enough,here's more.

Lust or Love?

So I've got a problem.  It feels a lot like fear, paralyzing, debilitating fear. My hands will literally  start to shake if a certain guy comes into the same vicinity as I am in.My armpits get that prickly feeling and I really just want to run as fast as I can in the opposite direction. Then there's this other completely contradicting feeling, an unfamiliar pull . I've been saying no for 18 years now and then here comes this guy and makes me wonder for the first time what I'm waiting for. My problem is I cant figure out if  this unfamiliar pull is lust or love. He's the first guy I've ever emotionally opened up to even in the slightest amount. I don't want to say here's more then have him take it and go.