Words and actions

I've wanted for nothing, left out of nothing unless i deserved to be. I was kept clean and healthy all my life. Who i am is a privileged , some may say overly privileged immature young lady. A 16 year old teenage girl trapped in the body of an 18. I have no reason to be sad but for some reason i can't stop crying, I can't rise the drop in my stomach. It's nothing new , I've been feeling this way sporadically for years now. Never in my life have i felt so unwanted , undeserving, and dumb as i feel now. I feel like just hurting , but then i think why. In what way is my life porous or lacking? I have no reason to feel the way i do...well no justifiable reason. I don't deserve feeling this way, i keep thinking don't give up, don't give in. 

Words , words , words. Sometimes people don't realize how much power they hold. Apparently my mother didn't want me and my father did, but as of late he is regretting the decision. Consequently for everyone this epiphany was much to late .

Am i wrong to hold her up to soft lights? I hear her tell stories of rape, and abuse and i can't help but to ...to... want to give her everything. At the same time, I've lived with my father all my life and he has given all that he can to me. Who am i to ask for time, who am i to say it's too late.

All i known is all the words, misplaced anger, and empty time has gotten me to this point in my life where i just wish i could drop dead, or disappear someplace better for everyone. I'm feeling malice in my veins and desire for a change planting it's self deep in my soul. i feel rotten and I've forgotten myself. here's more is my escape and writing to no one and letting myself soak in all this self directed hate is my mistake. i refuse to be some other burden . I'll keep my emotions to myself and this page.